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Keep Running (Don’t Give Up)

24 Apr

Gone all out
demon slayer,
whole self sold;

sprinting surely,
streaming smooth –
 hell bash bam, 
 betrayed!
No siren
or notification,
to re-strike, no time   
or to withold.

On the floor,
fiend fighter,
vision skewing,
limbs spilt
 wrong.
Can’t uprise or self utter,
can’t figure what just passed

or what you should have done –
to have cursed,
or mere blamed,
to have ran
or faced, headlong?

Up jump
fiend conqueror,
  wearied, bloodied one
don’t be fooled.

Keep on your
 wily, never quitting scheme,
no mummy for the mud;

slice, brute strike forward
and lynch this disingenuous intimidation,

shifting sorrow to motivation
and shit to jewels.

Fire sword slayer

 

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Happiness…

22 Jan

This month Fearne Cotton and the listeners of Radio 1 put together this encouraging manifesto to help people to stay postitive. It’s certainly puts a smile on my face – January is such a gloomy month!

happiness manifesto

Gone

15 Aug

The sun scorches my eyes,
butterflies scatter,
lilacs half in bloom,
sea arriving disco blue;
time, train wheels chug endlessly on,
drawing me away,
further from you.

One day everything will be over,
not just this holiday.
Will I feel brighter then?
Will the sun be more constant –
blissfully unchanging;
eternally antidotal
against unfaithful summers
too soon gone.

Live More, Think Less. (Bashing the Blues into Submission 3)

19 Feb

 The start of a brand new year is exciting. It’s a great time for looking forward to new things and also for reflecting, to look back over the year that’s gone, consider what went well and what didn’t. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and I’ve come to the conclusion, whilst it’s good to do some (you do need to do some figuring out where you’re heading next or you’d do nothing exciting)  –  the long, drawn out, ‘what on earth am I doing?’ ‘Where is my life heading’ sort of mulling over things isn’t good. Because at times, life doesn’t always make sense in any rational way. And you can end up with a pretty sore head.

 I’ve made a “Live More” list to remind myself how to live in those grey, introspective times when you can’t see more than a milimetre in front of you.

 How to Live More:

  •  Trust your instinct.
  •  Enjoy every damn freaking moment you have, you don’t know if you’ll be here tomorrow.
  • Look to the future, not the past or you’ll lose today.
  • You’re not the only pebble on the beach – consider others too.
  • Give fear the heave- ho : Live dangerously.


Tune of the Moment:

Justice: Helix


Carpe Diem!

18 Oct

I’ve been back home four weeks now. I’m very glad to be back in my own house with Mr. F.  – who wouldn’t? – but it has been good to have time away. Sometimes it takes something massive to stop you from continuing down a particular road and I desperately needed to stop and take stock of my life.

  And the only way I was going to do that was being in hospital it seems. Once I’ve got the bit between my teeth I’m pretty tenacious. (Mr F’s favourite nickname for me is  Terrier.) So I’ve made some changes to my life – I’ve given up caffeine and am working less hard, finishing earlier and taking more time to appreciate small things like cooking and sketching and am getting out the city more and into the countryside.

I had a horrible test at the hospital last week to check my bowel was OK.  So far the news is good – there is nothing there that shouldn’t be. However, on exactly the same day one of my old, good friends got not such good news about her bowel, she has cancer.

Which sort of puts everything in perspective!  I’ve not been at all ill by comparison.  It’s made me realize how precious every single second of life is. Who knows how much time any of us has left?I don’t want to waste a single moment by being stressed out, too rushed and busy to enjoy anything properly.

I found this super beautiful, chilled out live song by my old Aussie favourite, Matt Corby when I was feeling weak and weird last week and it restored my inner peace:

What it means to live or being out there in the arena

7 Sep

Life has slowed considerably and is peaceful. It’s stupid that it takes something massive happening to you to make you put your feet up good and proper and to reflect. A couple of weeks ago I was grappling with the idea of going back home and getting back into life. I suffered many sleepness, anxious nights. What if I went back and started to get anxious again and couldn’t cope?

Then whilst I was sorting through some work I came across an e-mail a friend sent me at the beginning of the year  It was a quote by Theodore Roosevelt from his speech, “Citizenship in a Republic at the Sorbonne in Paris in April, 1910:

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is not effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

It hit me like a truck.  I haven’t been on the wrong track. The person “out there” doing battle is cool – out there doing the their darndest for something they consider worth while, even if things do seem to keep ending in defeat, at least they’ve done their utmost.

My Chemical Romance’s set at Reading this year made me think much the same thing. The first time they played there they were bottled off and though initially discouraged in the end, it only made Gerard more determined. Taking Freddie Mercury as inspiration – it also happened to him in Paris with Queen – when they next played there Gerard vowed it would be as headliners. And so it proved to be. And their show was utterly incredible – don’t think I’ve seen anyone put so much into one performance – it was passionate, it was outrageously OTT, sexy bombastic and darn good fun – even they consider it to be the show of their lifetime.

As for me –  I’m saying no to doubt and what the future will bring, it might well become a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m getting back into life and not looking back,  keeping focused on the things that build me up. I’ll keep going forward with hope and courage.